Removing my security blanket 8:21 pm

I finished work early today. Relatively. Ended at 7.30pm. Do you think its worrying that I actually felt uneasy ending early? I'll admit, I actually felt uneasy finishing work early. Have I developed a habit in engulfing myself in work that it feel unnerving when I don't have the blanket of work to make me feel secure?

I think its slightly worrying.

I finish past ten closer to midnight more nights these days that the equation is simple. Finish work asap, rush home to shower and turn in for yet another early start. When I end work early, that simple formula breaks down.

Its quite funny really to find myself at a lost when I have slightly more time to myself. :) Funny. But keep this up and I won't be finding this as funny anymore

hope past midnight 1:31 am

"...well maybe there's a ledge underneath."

"it's your hill to climb. but you're not alone. remember, you're not alone.
give me half the chance to fight for you, with you, and i will."

"but when will you know when to stop?"



Uncle T

uncertainty past midnight 1:29 am

"right now i feel like im standing on the edge of a cliff. that's my present.
 i don't know...just i guess my future now is more uncertain than its ever been...
its like climbing that hellvelyn. its so damn foggy and i cant see a thing.
im not expecting it to be clear blue skies and all. i wouldnt want it to be that way.
just right now,
i really dont have a clue. and im completely lost."

"i don't wanna let you go."


Uncle T

ramblings past midnight 1:27 am

funny how we choose not to look at the possibilities ahead
which seem endless
but in that way, its a hopefulness full of uncertainty
one that is deceptively within our control yet perhaps not so
the past however seems so much more certain. because it has happened.
and standing at the present is the great balancing act
of looking backwards and forwards, both a gift and a mystery.
and with life made up always of tiny moments of the present, life is really a mystery to be lived.
yet my humanness often mistakes it for a problem to be solved.
the faith in the Divine so fragile.
-the end-



Uncle T

Pint on a weekday 8:44 pm

Sitting alone in an Irish pub in Singapore. To my left and right, pockets of companions and friends. Its just me and my pint of Heineken. Holland and Denmark are about to kick-off their World Cup campaign on the screens. There is the perennial buzz from the live sound feed, but there is also that anticipation, earnest, in the pub too. Orange shirts dot the pub; Dutch support. That's what football does; you suddenly adopt nationalistic pride of a nation you possibly know nuts about other than some of its football players.

I sip on my pint; beer is only nice ice-cold. That means I'll never really love it. I like it only when its in a particular condition of being cold. That means I'm attracted to it, but not in love. I'm in love only when I love something in all its possible states; I love it for what it is fundamentally regardless of its condition. Perhaps its the same for people. Attraction and love; similar, but different.

Half-time. There are no goals, and I'm half-pint done with my Heineken. The pockets of friends around have grown slightly louder with the liquid-freedom alcohol provides, And still its just me and my half-pint.

Yet somehow the solitude doesn't seem to bother me: not this evening at least. Perhaps its only just this evening. But I should be used to this by now; I used to watch Liverpool matches alone in England too. But I suspect I could never fully get used to perpetual solitude. Can anyone?

Perhaps I'm living off the energy and spirit I regained coming back from my short trip to Melaka over the weekend. I surely know the company there helped inspire my bounce again. I like myself positive and full of optimism and energy. Challenge is to find a constant inspiration in keeping that way in good times and in bad. I long for that sustainable and consistent source of strength and confidence. Perhaps I already know the answer, and only need the stillness of mind and heart to seek it and own it. I want to have ownership of that source of strength.

I take a swig of my Heineken. Its starting to lose its chill. But the match continues...