It felt as if it were already mine.
And when I decided to let it go against my passion, it hurt like salt on a raw wound. I bit down on my already-dried lips. My body hesitated, unsure, but a drowning voice of reasonable prudence called out. The cartoons with angel on one shoulder horned angel on the other are not exaggerating.
In the end, I'm sure not wholly based on my own strength, I walked away. Initially I felt numb, as if I suffered a great loss, cheated. Like someone gave me a gift and then snatched it away. Ripped from me.
Then a seed of pride slowly took root; I had made a choice that was more discerning despite it against my passions. This time I followed my head and spurned my heart. No. I followed my head only if wisdom resides there. This time, I made a wise choice.
I guess that is what sets us apart from animals. Many behave based largely on instinct. There is less discernment, less contemplation in animals. Purely banal. And it felt good to affirm my humanity with this decision.
Wah what big decision is this that requires so much drama? Its merely the decision not to buy a camera lens I want so much, and delaying its purchase only until Ive hit my savings target.
But its not always how big or small a decision is that matters so much. Rather, its more meaningful to see how these decisions are made, big or small.
