At the harbinger of change: Alamak, why only now!

hope at cryfield | cryfield, uni of warwick

Is it just so typically human that we only wished we did more with our lot at the harbinger of change? Just when we are about to close one chapter of our lives, that we start wishing to be at the start and did things differently; perhaps that is why people religiously convert at their death bed, or brides running away from the church altar. And perhaps that is why I am perhaps saying, just as I am about to end my academic life, "Alamak, why only now?!"

It is only now, just as I'm about to graduate, that I wished I wrote more academic articles, delved deeper into the academic issues, debated more with my prof, explored theology deeper, participated more in student government, sky-dived... the list can go on.

However, what initates the "Alamak" apostrophe is not only just leaving all this what-ifs behind, but not going to have another shot at such things again. That is what is scary. About change, about growing up. The fear of being stuck in the rut of daily monotony.

Will there be coffee-table debates? Not those that are of a personal-attack nature, but those that intellect-equals used to sparr in cafes of Paris and London. Will there be my contemplation of moral issues? Those that we often take for granted and deem "irrelevant" to think about. Will there be people around to remind me to continue to dream? Just being a student gives you license to dream; I'm not sure its the same faced with adult-responsibilities.

This fear is sometimes so choking. I don't know if you ever feel it. But its probably the same choking feeling I felt a long time back standing at the start line of a running relay, baton in hand. What if I drop the baton? What if I trip over my own feet (which happened mind you)?

A friend, who has started work since university, said the one thing she missed alot was just chatting with friends heart-to-heart for "no good reason". I wonder if that will be my fate as well, where everything has to be done for "some good reason". Are we no longer allowed to throw caution to the wind when we are adults? Can it no longer be like the 60s? Please say it is still possible.

If at some point in my life, possibly at yet another harbinger of change, will I be alone if I chose to pick everything up and head off in the direction of my destiny? Will I be alone? Or will there be that special someone there willing and daring enough to do the same?

I don't know. Do you? I'll wait and see. But that's what we are so good at doing. Waiting. For what?



Uncle T